What Women Talk

There is nothing worse than an unsophisticated male spending a night reading article upon article on how women should understand men. Women need to understand that men need their space; Women need to understand that men could care less about emotional rollercoasters; Women need to understand that men care even if they don't say so; Women need to understand that men only need six objects in their bathroom (toilet paper being three of them... For those who are guessing a toothbrush, tooth paste, and deodorant complete the six necessary objects.) And the list goes on and on and on. What I propose is to write a male's take upon this nasty subject. What I propose is that a male should try to understand a woman. No, on second thought, I propose something less sophisticated than that. I propose to take a moment of silence, and then read a few topical paraphrases on some common sense male perspective. As the old adage goes, “Let us know thine enemy.”

 

Empty Calorie Talk:

Men, you're going to have to roll with me on this one. The empty calorie talk will seem like the longest, most unfruitful talk of your life – but I promise you it will become the largest bomb ever dropped if you don't recognize it when it happens. Imagine yourself having a graceful moment with death and you want to realize how fortunate you really are to be alive. True, deciding to use your dad's rickety ladder on the first story roof to get to your second story roof wasn't a smart idea. But now you're on the ground. You're happy, satisfied, and need nothing more to complete your moment. However, up walks a woman you know and she begins saying, “You wouldn't believe how horrible this is!!! My Bff's brother's girlfriend who's long lost cousin was at a bookstore who somehow got there by mistake because her aunt didn't respond to her text because she was out town because her husbands sister's bff has an amazing summer house and invited the entire family... blah blah blah.” You've already tuned out everything she's saying because you're simply satisfied with embracing the simple beauty of life. After relating this dreadfully awful story, you know an obvious solution to her uncanny predicament. DON'T SAY IT! If it's an obvious answer, then it's a sign that you've been lead into an Empty Calorie Talk. Your response is simple. You look her in the eyes, pause (for effect), and then say, “I understand, and that's really terrible.” Yes. That's right, then entire hour it took for her to convey her story could be answered in one sentence. She doesn't want a solution, she wants understanding. And that's why it's the empty calorie talk – no answers, no opinions, just understanding... You can even bring up some similar situations from your past to justify your position.

The Tea Time Special:

This is the talk between talks, so it's a bit more special and a bit more devastating if you get it wrong. These are those short phone calls or sporadic text messages. No woman wants a fully committed conversation during these moments. She simply wants to know that you're “there”. No, I didn't say, “alive”. I said, “there”. Where? “There”. No one knows where that is, but it exists and you need to be there... No, not here, but there.

The Hot Cocoa with extra whipped cream sit down:

This is the semi-sweet small talk that every man is afraid of. Buckle yourself up and prepare for me to use the f-word: feelings. Guys have them, and women want to know about them. No, not always in a personal way, but in a feely sort of way. Let me explain. You watch a movie and she asks, “How did you like the movie?” You reply, “It was good.” WRONG! Obviously it had to be somewhat good or else she would be telling you how bad it was and it would become an empty calorie talk and she would only want you to understand and agree. What she is actually asking is, “How did this movie impact your normal thought-pattern in a new, improved, and, perhaps, deeper way? How do you 'feel' about the movie?” Make sense? Of course not, but it's true. Try to emphasize a feeling, an event, and then a past correlated event. Process – every man's dream.
 

The Midnight Snack:

The question of all questions, the question every man will ask, but no man will have an answer (spoiler: I don't have the answer either) is, “Why did you wait until I was asleep to talk about this?” Now guys, I know there are only two popular options: we continue to ask this question over and over again expecting a new answer or we do the infinitely worse thing by rolling over and going back to sleep. This goes for anything (text messages and nap-times are included). The midnight snack talk is exactly as it sounds – it can be quick and painless (if the food is available) or it could ruin the rest of the night (when you find out that your brother ate the last of the ice cream that you bought). And that's the decision you'll have to make. Something will be sacrificed. By the end of snack time you will have either lost fifteen minutes or fifteen hours (oh yes, if you manage to go back to sleep she'll be waiting for you in the morning. And it doesn't matter if you don't remember.). Oh, and this goes for any female in your life: friend, sister, or mother.

Things Not to Do:

1) The Monte Cristo – Being a Monte Cristo is effective only if you wish to execute vengeance on an entire social class and hope to escape unnoticed. As part of being a man is also being known. This may be more difficult for those that are shy and unwilling to entertain the idea of going out and starting a conversation. However, there is hope. When a conversation is started, express likes and dislikes. Maybe you give the one-liner and not the story, backstory, sub-plot, inspiring events, and the day you were born. Those may become important, but not now - Simply be known. The man behind the veil is a great stage performer – not a great life experience.

2) Don't lose an argument – Yes, you read this correctly. I said DON'T lose an argument. Every man knows what I mean, and every woman will understand in a moment (Perhaps you didn't know this ^_^). Ask yourself this question, “When you're in a heated discussion, has throwing up your hands and saying, 'Fine! You're right,' ever help the situation?” Doesn't that always produce the intended result? Doesn't she always reply, “Oh. Thank you for acknowledging my position and conceding your right to being correct. Would you like to forget that this argument ever happened?” Of course not. She then debates you on why you dropped the argument and assumes that you simply want to end the discussion. Or, most infamous of them all, she says, “So that's how it's going to be?” Yeah, every man knows that the discussion is about to get real. By the way, that deep sigh and rolling of the eyes won't help you in the long run.

Here's what you have to do: you have to fight like you're fighting a marlin. To win you have to lose, to lose you have to win. You pull in your big guns, and then let them fail. You pull in more of you big guns, and then let them fail. You pull in more of your big guns, and then let them fail. Do you understand the picture? If you hook a marlin, you can't simply reel it straight out of the water. You have reel her in, then let her swim out, then you have to reel her in, and then let her swim out, then you have to reel here in, and then let her swim out. How long must you do this? Well, there isn't a specific standard, but I can tell you it won't take eight hours. Simply repeat the process until saying, “Fine, you're right,” comes out naturally. She'll be happy, you'll be happy, the world will be happy, and, most importantly, the point you wanted to communicate is communicated.

Things to Do:

1) By-Cause – Men, we are all infamous of this. The original English words for because were By Cause. Later, this useful phrase became a contraction and wrote as By-Cause. And now, by-cause of the words popularity, we use the word Because. But let us go back in history and remember our former friend, By Cause. This is the point that makes all conversations worth having. No one is really interested in the fact that Christ rose from the dead, we are more interested, much more interested, in the reason why, or the by-cause, that lead to His crucifixion and eventual resurrection. We are not merely interested in being fired from our job, but desire to understand by-what-cause got us fired. Or perhaps when we decided to have that second ice cream without asking, we can justify our actions by-cause of our hard work. In any case, this old friend of ours is a cherished relic that won't be leaving us any time soon.

So what does this have to do with us men? We need to begin using this word more often – at least in our heads. When a woman walks in and says, “I've been shopping all day.” A simple, “Oh, that's nice.” isn't the most gratuitous act. If a woman we're infatuated with walks in and says, “I've been shopping all day,” simply replying, albeit much more emphatically, “Oh, that's nice!” still isn't the most gratuitous act. The problem isn't how emphatic, but in wondering why she was shopping. Most women trick us into this by walking into the door and asking, “Guess where I've been all day?” See what happened there? She's inviting you into the exhilarating experience of thinking the by-causes of her day. But why wait for the invitation? When a woman walks in and says, “I've been shopping all day,” think, for a moment, “Do I know all the by-causes in her shopping experience?” Of course not! Simply ask, “Why did you go to the store? Why did you buy spaghetti noodles and popcorn? Oh! Is that chocolate bar for me?” Okay, some questions are best left unasked, but do you understand the point? Because is the infinite reservoir of conversation and interest. As long as there is someone doing something and someone interested in why, the word because will exist. Use it.

The End:

And lastly, but definitely not least, is the truth. If you have read to the end it's because you're a female. If you happen to be a male, either you're in a tough situation (by which you are now desperately scourging google to find the answer and happen to fall upon this article) or you're being forced and you're trying to do the right thing. And that's exactly my point. Men already know this, they already know the right thing to do. But what makes a man a man (and not a woman) is that they know exactly what to do, ponder doing it, and then do the exact opposite. Fathers, I know you've looked at your son and have said this countless times. I know because I'm a son, and my father has given up saying it. He simply laughs and joins in – the true art of manship.